A First of all, Jenny, don't worry about your problem with fractions. 7/5 of all people don't understand fractions, so you fit right in. More troublesome is your spelling of the word "divide". If you persist in fretting over your math deficiencies while you should be studying spelling, you'll never get a good job as an adult. Also, along the same line, your "question" is not really a question at all! It is a declarative statement. One of your sentences isn't even complete. Seems to me you need to pay more attention in English class. Forget about the fractions. Adults don't really use them anyway. They're just part of a little joke we adults play on kids. You'll understand when you grow up. You can trust me in this. Remember, I'm a specialist.
Q Dear Reverend Phil, Master of all knowledge. I'm really shy in social situations. I'm afraid that if I say anything, people will think I'm a fool, so I keep my mouth shut. What should I do? Sincerely, Elliott 3/9/99
A Dear Elliott. The "Master of all knowledge" bit tells me all I need to know. Your ignorance sickens me. Everyone knows I'm not "Master of all knowledge" but rather "Master of Time and Space". A girl working at McDonalds on Route 23 near Columbus, Ohio holds the prior title. Elliott, you're doing the right thing. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Phil
Q Dear Phil. Is it true that your head explodes if you sneeze with your nose plugged? Steve Grebert. 3/9/99
A What is it with you people and your stupid questions? When I started this column I expected questions about how light bulbs work or why lightning never strikes in the same place twice (not true, by the way. I've been struck at least three times myself!) Were your parents also cousins? Of course your head explodes if you sneeze with your nose plugged! Phil
Q Dear Reverend Phil. Are you a real specialist? My husband says you're a fake. Thanks, Ellen from S. Dakota. 3/11/99
A Dear Ellen from S. Dakota. Your husband is a dork. You should leave him at once. Not only am I a specialist, I am a Licensed General Specialist, which means I don't specialize merely in one subject, such as neuro surgery, but in all subjects. You can trust me in this. After all, who can you trust if not a specialist? Need more proof? Click here to view my Specialist's License. By the way, Ellen, could you send a photo? Phil
Q So, how does a light bulb work? How many general specialists does it take to screw one in? That's, like, two questions, huh? In The Dark in Kentucky. 3/22/99
A Dear In The Dark in Kentucky. You probably thought I'd not take your three (count your question marks) questions seriously, but the Master of Time and Space treats all of his loyal followers with equal courtesy. The light bulb question is a common one, especially in Kentucky. See that little string below the bare bulb hanging from your ceiling? Just pull down on it gently until you hear a "click" sound. You should see the light now. That's how a light bulb works! If you don't see any light, I'm afraid you will have to have the bulb changed for you. Please don't attempt this yourself. Any time you are dealing with electricity, it is best to consult a regular specialist. It only takes one regular specialist to change the bulb. A General Specialist never needs to change a bulb. I'm afraid I can't tell you why. Phil
Q Dear Phil. I was wondering if it was safe for a man in his 70's to use Viagra. I found a prescription bottle in my father's drawer. He lives in a nursing home. Mom has been gone for eleven years. Thank you, Beth. (4/10/99)
A Dear Beth. You must be a new reader. Regular readers can certainly predict my reaction. What were you doing going through your father's drawers?! Can a man have no privacy from his prying children? You should hang your head in shame! But . . . as a professional General Specialist, I will address your concerns in a professional and nonjudgmental manner, even though you don't deserve it, you worthless ingrate. I believe your concern is not for your father's health, but rather involves your unresolved feelings about your father's potential disloyalty to the memory of your deceased mother. I'll let that slide because I'm a sensitive and understanding fellow. As for the health risks, who cares? Besides, it is entirely possible that your father is being dosed by the nurses at night without his knowledge. It is a common practice in nursing homes. It helps keep the elderly gentlemen from rolling out of bed during the night. (works like a kick stand.) Phil
Q Dear Phil, I can tell we are very similar. I'm the artistic type too, and often find that people don't understand me very well. I was wondering, it seems you are often somewhat rude to people who write to you. Are you trying to be funny? Maybe because people don't understand you, you feel a need to lash out. It seems to me that you should use your power for good . . . to try and make people's lives better. When are you going to start realizing you have a responsibility to people who write? I bet a lot of children read your column. It seems like you're doing nothing to help them become responsible adults. Chris 4/21/99
A What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. First of all, any similarity between your reality and mine is purely imaginary. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. You are mistaken. My powers can only be used for good. Further, I'm not being rude at all. You're just insignificant. As for when I will realize my responsibility to readers like you . . . how about never? Is never good for you? And finally, it might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. Phil
Q Dear Phil. What is anitmatter? [sic] Ed Delaney 5/20/99
A Dear Ed. Finally a real question! And one that everyone is interested in - not just some tiny demographic sub-set of science nerds. Fear not. No subject is too complex for Phil, Licensed General Specialist, Master of Time and Space. Ordinary matter has negatively charged electrons circling positively charged nuclei. Anti-matter has positively charged electrons (positrons) orbiting nuclei with a negative charge (anti-protons). Until last year, only anti-protons and positrons were able to be produced in the lab. Recently, scientists at the CERN accelerator in Geneva, Switzerland created a few atoms of the worlds first complete anti-matter element - Anti-Hydrogen - an important ingredient in better Swiss chocolates. Any sci-fi buff can tell you that when matter and anti-matter particles come together, they annihilate each other with a huge release of energy. Scientists believe that that's how bag pipe "music" is generated. Although individual atoms of anti-matter can be manufactured, there is no evidence of any natural anti-matter anywhere in this, my favorite universe. In theory, we should expect equal amounts of matter and anti-matter to have been formed at the beginning of the universe during the Big Bang. A problem with this theory is that cosmic rays reaching Earth from distant neighborhoods are made up of protons or nuclei, but never of anti-protons or anti-nuclei. Although I can make anti-matter at will, many scientists believe there may be no natural anti-matter anywhere. In that case, what happened to it? The most obvious answer is that, as predicted by theory, all the matter and anti-matter underwent mutual annihilation in the first seconds of creation. In that case, we're not really here at all but trapped in an interdimesional vortex existing within the first few nanoseconds of creation. If this is so, then what did I step in last night on the bedroom carpet? It looked like real cat vomit. Felt like the real thing too. An alternative theory is that the universe divided into two distinct parts right after its formation - the universe that we live in (most of the time), and another, alternate universe of anti-matter that cannot be directly observed by ordinary people - perhaps somewhere in New Jersey. What is anti-matter good for? I like to add a few particles of anti-matter to cake batter and bread dough to assist in rising. Also, I add a few atoms to home made salsa. As the anti-matter atoms contact the matter atoms of my tongue, there's a unique tingling sensation as they annihilate each other in my mouth. I cannot over stress to you that one must use anti-matter in moderation while cooking. On May 18, 1980, we were living near Mt. Saint Helens in the state of Washington. I inadvertently allowed a regular birthday cake and an anti-birthday cake to come into contact with each other in the oven. The blast was heard 135 miles away. (See video clip below) By the way, Ed, If you were hoping I missed your spelling error, you are mistaken. Phil
Q Dear Phil, Master of Time and Space. This is a serious question. First off, are these letters for real or do you make them up? Where do you get the answers? Are the accurate or are they just for comedy? The reason I ask is that your page came up when I did a search for Antimatter, and I used the information from your page for a school report, and now I'm worried that it might not be accurate. I had to get the paper done the next day and didn't have a lot of time to look around. The stuff on your page was the easiest to understand that I found. I used some information from other sources, but I used your information for my conclusion because I really didn't understand the other articles I read. I know the part about cooking with antimatter was a joke, but what about the serious sounding parts? I guess I'll find out when we get our grades. My consciousness just doesn't do science very well. I know, in reality, that I should have started working on it three weeks ago, but I just didn't get around to it. I'm generally a good student. I'm a junior at Westerville High School.
Jeramy Henle 10/28/99
A Dear Jeramy. I admire you immensely. I did not understand the Primary Scholastic Ethic (to steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research) until I was into my second year of college. You have grasped the essence of this at a much earlier age. Using my information as your own conclusion was exactly correct. Touché! FEAR NOT! The information about antimatter is current theory and was stolen from some of the finest physicists of our day. As an added bonus, since you are the ONLY ONE who has correctly stated my title, I'll fill you in on some other useful tidbits that your letter touched upon:
Got a Burning Question of your own? Ask Phil! Do you have a question that requires the vast knowledge of a specialist to answer? Besides being Master of Space and Time, The Reverend Phil is also a Licensed General Specialist! Phil knows the answers to your most burning questions! Use this form to submit your questions about science, philosophy, love, cooking, , large animal veterinary medicine, snack foods, genetic engineering, piano tuning, stain removal, quantum mechanics . . . any subject at all - because Phil is a specialist! Type your question!
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